X.X

OK, so there is way too much crap going on in my life right now and I do not appreciate it.

So school and softball take up the majority of my life and it is just not very cool right now. I borrowed a lot of money from my mom and she said I don't have to pay her back, just had to get good grades, and I mean I'm good at school because I'm smartical, but now there is that bit of extra pressure to do well. On top of that the one stupid softball coach has a stick up her ass and won't stop yelling a people while our other coach claims we suck even though every game we ten run rule the other damned team!

So the time I have for a social life isn't really that great either, everyone always leaves me out when they 'party' or whatever and it pisses me off. Isn't it just common manners to invite your friends to outings? The ones that do involve me are always busy so I can't help but find myself stuck at home by myself and, honestly, it is not what  really want to do on Friday nights.

My other time is spent on this fricking computer, because stupid World of Warcraft has just become so darn addicting. And I'm still being pressured to finish two fanfictions that I'm in the middle of. I hate the one and can't understand why people want to read more of it, plus I haven't updated that in like two months, so sucks for them! The other stupid story needs to be finished tonight or else I will cry because I missed the deadline at the community. That story I can't decide if I love it or hate it, but it doesn't really matter because all of my works are crap anyways. :(

Oh no hooray.

Ok seriously, I have procrastinated long enough so it is now time to finish what has become the longest fanfiction of my like! (ok so maybe its not that long, but I'm lazy and never finish anything).

I'm bored ans sick, sooooo


(V)_(^_^)_(V)


yes, internet crab!

Ahahahah!

Ever have one of those days where you hate absolutely everything about yourself? Yeah well for me today is that day.

Things I hate:
Me
My life
My face
My body
My hair
My hatred for myself
My suspicion that everyone talks behind my back, I know I would talk about me behind my back if it were possible
Every little detail about me
My existence
My writing/drawing
My thoughts
My feelings
The gross disgusting blob that is I
The fact that I lay all of my burdens upon myself because I'm the only one I hate enough to do it to.
This journal I am writing.


If I could just craw into a hole in the floor and lay there until I died that would just be fantastic because can solve all of my problems and probably make everyone else feel a little bit better about themselves.

OK, chibi Riley is just too much fun to draw, so here are some little drawings I did instead of reviewing for midterms.




(From Left to right starting with top)

Happy(my favorite)                 Not Amused               In loooove               Upset, needs hug

Confused                                 ...? I have no idea      Guitar Hero Freak


Gahh, this really stinks not having a scanner, things come out crooked and not visible.
And this was not done on my math homework <.<    >.>

Oh mah guh, I am actually using this as a journal thingy.

It's weird I have no friends on here in yet I continue to post.

And I can not spell to save my life tonight >.<

Sooooo homework is not very fun, I don't want to do it. I also don't feel like writing at the moment because I am brain dead, but I know I should continue with me evil fanfiction which people want to read more of *glares at fanfiction*

Also, I hate the book Frankenstein. I also hate having to write an essay about Frankenstein. Another thing I hate: writing conferences about writing essays about Frankenstein. Yeah, I don't get it, my writing is fine why do I have to go talk to the stupid horse lady teacher about it? *sigh* If it didn't count as part of my grade I wouldn't do it.

Also hate US Government, seriously don't care about it. But no, evil clown...I mean history teacher makes us taking impossible tests on it.

*dies*

First Romance Fanfiction. >.<

Disclaimer: I do not own National Treasure yadda yadda yadda.

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Benjamin Gates and Abigail Chase, the perfect couple. They had everything in common, they finish each other’s sentences, and they both have an unhealthy love for history. They’re so cute together it makes me sick. Every night we go out to dinner, it’s the same thing: I sit on one side of the table pouting and Abigail and Ben sit on the other side making kissy faces at one another.

 

Right now they’re sitting together, Ben’s arm around Abby’s shoulder. How I wish Ben would put his arm around me like that, that he would whisper things to me to make me laugh and make Abigail feel like the odd one out. Don’t get me wrong, I love Abby, but I love Ben so much more.

 

I look on in disgust as the two lock lips and I can take no more, I have to get out of here before I throw my biscuit at Abigail’s head.

 

“Right, if you guys are going to sit here all night eating each others faces rather than the food, then I’m gonna go.” The two finally look at me as I get up to leave.

 

“Aw, Riley’s jealous,” Abigail says in mock sympathy, how I loathe her, “Just because you can’t keep a relationship, it doesn’t mean you have to spoil our good time.”

 

Ben says nothing, staring at me with a strange look on his face. That’s it; I’m out of here. I roll my eyes and grab my jacket, but as I turn around Ben grabs my arm. I look over at him and he has an odd apologetic look on his face. I wait a moment for him to say something, but he doesn’t so I break loose from his grip and storm out in a huff.

 

As I get into my beautiful car and close the door, I realize how stupid and sissy I looked back in the restaurant. What the hell is wrong with me? I acted like a fourteen-year-old girl who is jealous that her best friend asked out the guy she likes. It’s bad enough that I like a guy, Ben of all people, but now I’m acting even more like a girl! I’m a rich guy in his twenties, I could probably get any girl I want, but I don’t want a girl. I only want Ben, who is totally off limits and even if he weren’t, he would never like another guy.

 

I let out a deep breath and start driving back to my apartment, all the while my brain won’t shut up; alright brain I get it, I’m an idiot. I’m still starving too; I should have at least saved my temper tantrum for after dinner. Stupid Abigail making Ben like her, she probably warped his mind or something with her weird accent. I bet she’s an alien, yeah, that would explain everything.

 

So, I guess it’s off to my lonely apartment to eat some cold pizza or something. God my life is pathetic. I need to make more friends, and convince myself to like someone I actually have a chance with.

 

I stuck to my plan of eating frozen pizza, and I guess I must have dozed off because when I woke to someone banging on my front door, I found that it was dark out and I had a crick on my neck from the awkward position I had been lying in. Yawning widely, I make it over to the door managing to only walk into two things. Standing in front of me is Ben, who smiles when we lock eyes and I quark an eyebrow.

 

“Hey, mind if I come in?” he asks trying to sound casual, but I can hear the hesitation in his voice. “I have something I kind of want to tell you.”

 

Completely confused, but very curious, I step aside to let him in. Looking around I’m kind of embarrassed that the place is such a mess, then I remember who I am. Ben’s not looking at me, he’s looking everywhere but at me, and I’m dying to know what he has to say.

 

The silence is beginning to get more uncomfortable, so I clear my throat. Ben finally comes out of his daze, and looks anxiously at me. This can’t be good.

 

“Ben, what up?” I ask, feeling like an idiot.

 

He looks at me, taking a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Riley…” he pauses, and we stand there awkwardly. “I-we- Abigail and me that is – well” He lets out a frustrated sigh. “Riley, we broke up.”

 

I stare at him wide eyed; “You – you’re kidding” I choke out, but by the look on his face I know he’s not. On the outside I was shocked, but on the inside I was cheering, I could have cried I was so happy. Ben looked sad, but he didn’t seem to have any regret showing on his face. Why the hell would the two call it quits after they were just happily making me feel like a third wheel? I stare at him, waiting for him to continue. After a few moments he does.

 

“Abigail just is not the one I want, I just jumped into a relationship with her because it seemed like the right thing to do. I was happy enough with her, but being with her did not feel right.” He looks up at me, waiting for an answer, but all that comes out of my mouth is a slight gurgling sound. He chuckled softly and went on, “I jumped into a relationship with Abigail because it went along with all the fame and glory that came with finding the treasure. Dad was happy about the relationship, and I knew that he would not understand if I were to be with the one I really wanted.”

 

My mind slowly processed what Ben said, and as soon as I comprehended everything my mind went into over drive, trying to figure out whom Ben liked. It was someone who is dead didn’t like, how many other people was been close to? The only person I could think of was me, but that was impossible. Ben could never like me, but it was the only thing that fit.

 

“Who…” Oh god, did my voice just really crack? “Then who is it Ben?” I looked at him, feeling giddy. Giddy? What the hell is wrong with me?

 

“Is it not obvious? Riley, its you.” He said this in a ‘duh’ tone.

 

“Alright, good. I just had to make sure.” And with that I actually did a victory dance. When I finished dancing, Ben laughed and I pulled him into a hug.

 

“Good to know you feel the same way, I was a bit worried at first, but once I saw how maturely you reacted in the restaurant, I figured I would give it a shot.” When he finished his sentence he leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. The kiss didn’t last long, but it was awesome (there’s the guy in me).

 

“I finally found my treasure” Ben said once we parted from another kiss. I couldn’t help but laugh.

 

“All this time I thought I was being a girl, but you totally proved who wears the pants in this relationship with that truly amazing line.” He glared at me as I smiled and kissed him hard on the mouth.

 

This is my first National Treasure story, so go easy on me. The song is Hurt by Johnny Cash

Disclaimer: I own neither the characters of National Treasure or the song Hurt, but I wish I owned Riley Poole.

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I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain; the only think that’s real.

The cool, steel blade slides across his arm, and as the blood flows from the cut, so does the pain and pressure eating at his heart. Things were not always like this for Riley Poole, he was once a happy, carefree computer geek, but nothing stays the same for long.

Riley could never picture himself stooping to this level, to hurt himself in order to keep himself sane, he always thought he had everything under control, that life was a breeze. After he helped find one of the biggest treasures the world has ever seen, he thought things would be perfect: he had plenty of money, two great friends, and all the fame and limelight anyone could hope for. It didn’t take long for him to realize that fame and money could only get one so far in life. No one really cared about him as a person, everyone just wanted his money, or to get close to Ben, the real treasure hunter.

The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting. Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything.

Riley soon got tired of people asking him about Ben and Abigail, tired of going to boring history parties that he was always ignored at. Riley was just plain tired. He always thought that no matter what, Ben would always have time for him. He had Abby too, sure they fought all the time, but he loved her like a sister. But Ben and Abby soon ended up like everyone else in his life: they didn’t talk to him as often, and it seemed that they never had time for him. It was understandable that they were busy, but it was like they were on completely different sides of the world.

He stopped going to clubs, didn’t go to any more parties he was invited to. Now all Riley did was sleep and work on his computer. “No one really wants to see me anyway, what’s the point of going out and being shoved in the corner?” he thought every time he got invited to parties and other fancy events.

What have I become, my sweetest friend. Everyone I know goes away in the end.

It all started one day while he was in the shower. Riley sunk his teeth into his arm, pressing down harder and harder until a metallic taste filled his mouth. He let go, and looked down at what he had done. As the blood trickled down his arm, mixing with the steaming water, he no longer felt pressured. There was pain, but the pain no longer bothered him; it was a new pain, one that brought him release and a sense of calm.

Later he realized what he had done to himself, and thought it stupid, but as time progressed his body craved that feeling; that sudden release and freedom. He entered the small kitchen in his apartment, and pulled a knife out of one of the drawers. He stared at his reflection in the knife and saw how pale he was; he could see the desperate plea in his eyes. He gently pressed the knife against his wrist and added pressure until blood began to spill down his arm, as he slid the metal across his flesh, he was hit with an instant rush of calm.

NTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNTNT

And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt.

Ben Gates was growing worried. He rarely saw his best friend, Riley, and when he did he looked thinner than usual, paler. Ben couldn’t recall the last time he spent more than five minutes with Riley. The last time he did see him, Riley just didn’t seem like himself; he was uncharacteristically quite, rarely making eye contact and he made no sarcastic remarks what so ever. Something was wrong, he just knew it, but he couldn’t figure it out. They were all happy right?

He decided that something needed to be done; Ben needed to figure out what was wrong with this friend. He knew the best way to get Riley to talk was to bribe him with food, so he called Riley to ask him if he wanted to go out to his favorite Chinese restaurant. When he called Riley’s cell phone there was no answer.

I wear this crown of thorns, upon my liar’s chair. Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair.

The phone in Riley’s apartment rang, he headed over to it figuring it was Ben, but when he answered, it was the last person he thought he would hear from.

“Hello?” He answered in an emotionless tone.

“Riley, it’s your mother. I have something important to tell you.” Riley knew as soon as he heard his mother’s voice that something was wrong. Riley hadn’t spoken to his family since he left for college. The Poole family was not the type of family who called each other every week, when people left home it was assumed that they were too good for the family. With Riley’s new fortune, he would be shunned for the rest of his life.

“You remember your brother Dylan don’t you Riley? I know you never bothered to call us, but you do remember you have a family right?” She cleared her throat, “well, let’s not get into that. Riley… Dylan is dead.” Riley completely froze, he had a terrible relationship with his family, but he was always able to get along with Dylan. The two brothers always made sure to contact each other once every month.

Beneath the stains of time, the feelings disappear. You are someone else, I am still right here.

“Hello? Riley? Oh come on…well, if you’re there the funeral was Monday. We tried to call you, but I guess you were too busy and never answered the phone.” Her voice was harsh, full of anger and disappointment. “Take care of yourself Riley. Good bye.” And just like that she was gone.

He had missed the funeral. The only person in his family who actually cared about him was gone. The last person to bother to talk to him was dead, and he never got to say good-bye. He needed to feel better, Riley needed to release all of the emotion building up inside him or he was going to explode.

What have I become, my sweetest friend. Everyone I know goes away in the end.

Ben called Riley’s house phone, but was met once more with Riley’s voicemail. Something was terribly wrong Ben could feel it. He grabbed his coat and rushed out to his car and drove off to Riley’s apartment. “Please be OK kid,” he pleaded. He drove as fast as he dared to Riley’s place, hoping that he was just overreacting and that Riley was just asleep and didn’t hear the phone ring.

Once Ben reached his destination, he saw that Riley’s red sports car was still in its normal parking spot, so he quickly entered the building and ran up to Riley’s apartment door. He knocked, but just like his calls, the knock went unanswered. This was not like Riley, even if he was asleep he always managed to get up and answer the door. He knocked on the door again, this time more desperate.

And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt.

Riley grabbed a razor blade from his nightstand drawer, and made his way to the bathroom. As he closed the bathroom door he could hear the phone ringing from the next room, thinking that whoever was on the other line only had more bad news, he ignored the consistent ringing and set the razor down on the sink. As Riley rolled up his sleeves and looked into the mirror at his hollowed face, he could hear the phone ringing again in the background, but once more ignored it.

He took a deep breath and slid the razor across his arm, but this time the satisfying release of pain didn’t come. He watched the blood drip down his arm and made another cut, but once again no release came. He switched to his other arm and made a deeper, longer cut. This time his release came, but it was not strong enough. He proceeded to make more slices in his arms, and as the blood poured down his arms, off of his fingers, his hands went numb and he sat down on the floor, admiring his work.

Riley said a silent prayer and apologized to his brother, he was sorry for not talking to him more, for not making sure everything was all right. The blood continued to flow from his wounds, but Riley made no move to clean himself up. He felt better than he had in a long time, but everything seemed to be muffled. As he sat on his bathroom floor, apologizing to his brother, Riley could swear he heard something that sounded like banging and yelling coming from the other room.

If I could start again, a million miles away…

Ben gave up on knocking and managed to break the door open. As he entered his friend’s apartment, he noticed that there was an eerie silence. He called out Riley’s name but there was no answer. Ben quickly checked the kitchen and Riley’s bedroom, but he was not in either, then he saw that the bathroom door was closed.

Ben made his way over to the door and knocked, calling Riley’s name. There was no answer. He pounded on the door; positive that Riley was in there, and when he was met once again with no answer, he forced that door open as well.

As the door opened, Ben was met with the shock of his life. There on the floor laid his best friend, Riley, eyes shut, mumbling, and blood running down his arms. He quickly came to his senses and ran to get a towel and bandages. Ben went back into the bathroom and kneeled down at his friend’s side.

“Riley, can you hear me?” He desperately asked while wiping the blood from the other man’s arms.

Riley looked up at Ben with clouded eyes, he seemed to not recognize Ben at first, but them the image of his friend registered in his brain.

“B-Ben, what are you d-d-doing here?” he managed to stutter out.

“Oh god Riley, what have you done? What were you thinking?” Ben yelled at Riley, but there was no anger in his voice, just concern. “How long have you been doing this? How could I have missed this?” He asked the last question more to himself than to Riley.

As he bandaged up the pale arms of his helpless friend, he moved to get the phone from the other room to call for help, or Abigail. But as he moved to leave, Riley called out to him.

I would keep myself. I would find a way.

“Don’t leave me Ben.” He weakly called out to his friend.

“Riley, what were you thinking?”

“I was thinking that I needed a release, I couldn’t take the pain anymore Ben.”

“Why didn’t you call me? I would have talked or listened. If you had just asked, this never would have gone so far.”

“Ben, no. You had no time for me; I was just holding you back from everything. I know that I’m just a burden to you and Abigail, and I’m sorry.” Tears began to pour down Riley’s face as he confessed to Ben. “I couldn’t take it anymore, living this way. No one really cares, everyone is so fake, all they care about is getting to you or to my money,” he managed to choke out, “and…and Dylan is gone. He’s dead and I missed his funeral, and I never got to say good-bye! I’m s-sorry,” He cried out.

“Shh, Riley, everything will be OK, I’m here for you. You don’t have to go through this alone.” Ben softly said while gently hugging the other man, “We’re going to get you help, and things will get better. Abigail and I will always be here for you, there are people who care about you.”

It would be a long process, but Ben knew that they would get through this. In time, Riley would get better, and until then he would just try to be the best friend he could be.